Start: [[2025-07-26]] Published: [[2025-07-27]] to [[2025-07-29]] Updated: [[2025-08-01 ]] > [!todo]- Prompt: > *"Why Do You Care? Now the question is, why have you even gone this far with it? Ask yourself, why does this stick with me? Why do I care about it? The goal is to burrow into what it is about this idea that intrigues you"* > — Lisa Cron: *Story Genius* ([Link](https://rauchundkoenig.buchhandlung.de/shop/article/28982701/lisa_cron_story_genius.html)) > [!tldr]- **Summary: Why this story matters to me** > 1. I’m drawn to a [[Fantasy]] world because only through that radical leap can I show how unbearable Peter’s reality has become—and integrate inspiration from my darkest moments. > 2. I’m eager to write, without the constraints of realism, about AuDHD joy and longing, and to create a sanctuary where my protagonist can be fully himself, without shame. > 3. Peter’s dream turns into a nightmare—and this matters for two reasons: because AuDHD means deep inner conflict that doesn’t vanish just because it’s understood, and because we internalize the logic of oppressive systems. A joyful life is possible, but not by ignoring that conflict—within or around us. > 4. My deepest reason: I want to remove all false hope in pseudo-solutions and give Peter the chance to find a way out through radical honesty—with himself and with the world. > [!warning] Orange – Mild Spoilers --- > *I don't want praise, I don't want pity.* > *I bang my own drum,* > *Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.* > *And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,* > *Why not try to see things from a different angle?* > *Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out* > *I am what I am!* > — Jerry Herman, *I Am What I Am* (from *La Cage Aux Folles*) > ([Link](https://youtu.be/vuqMUO7qno0?si=lnlSrnfaWdg0w73h)) --- This is the hardest question. Not because I don’t have an answer—but because I have too many. At its core, the answer is simple: **This story touches everything that has ever mattered to me.** But that’s too vast. So let’s take it piece by piece. ### Question 1: Why do I want Peter to escape into a [[Fantasy]] world—specifically, to Nadlee’han? [[Fantasy]] worlds—especially *Phantásien*—have always fascinated me. In this story, what moves me most is the theme of **escape**. **Peter runs from something that has become unbearable: the real world as he knows it.** People often romanticize escapism. I want to show it as an existential need. Most cannot imagine how exhausting daily life can be for someone with AuDHD. And that’s what I want to convey—so clearly and vividly that readers believe it. Peter is willing to abandon everything—his entire past, even the only truly meaningful relationship he has, with his [[John Pek|husband John]]—just for the *hope* of finally being himself, without the constant fight. That sacrifice grows even greater when he chooses to sever all ties with reality—burning his last bridge home. I want to make people *feel* what it means to be “high-functioning” and neurodivergent without it becoming self-pitying. **Sometimes reality is so unbearable you would give up everything for even the chance to escape.** This gives me a way to tell stories from some of the darkest chapters in my life—through Peter. Themes like [autistic mate crime](https://youtu.be/9Gpz_DfMiDM?si=_aZNIQ0P-U3WwNbF), [inactivity dysphoria and ADHD-related depression](https://www.adxs.org/en/page/167/depression-and-dysphoria-in-adhd), and [autistic burnout](https://embrace-autism.com/autistic-burnout/). Why Nadlee’han? Because Peter deserves to experience, just once, a world made only of his own desires, longings, and dreams. --- ### Question 2: Why send Peter into a personal paradise—not straight into conflict? Who wouldn’t want to write about a world built entirely from their own dreams and longings? What makes Nadlee’han special—unlike *Phantásien*, Narnia, or Neverland—is that it isn’t a child’s world. Peter is an adult. And so is his fantasy. There are enchanted forests, elves, and breathtaking moonscapes. But also leather daddies and sex, wealth and power, deep friendship and love, exquisite luxury, obedient lovers. There are places of rest and wisdom, brothels and shows, fame and applause. Why is this important to me? Partly because I believe in the power of safe spaces—and partly because I want to overcome my shame and share my inner world honestly. Queer people. Neurodivergent people. Anyone vulnerable in a conformist, demanding society—we all need spaces where we don’t have to explain ourselves. Places where we can *rest* from the constant pressure to translate ourselves for the comfort of others. Peter doesn’t know how different he is. He just thinks he’s a “normal gay man.” So he can’t seek those spaces consciously—he lacks the words. But in Nadlee’han, the world understands him better than he does. It gives him what he needs. He stumbles from joy to joy, growing more relaxed, more himself, as he realizes: here, he doesn’t have to explain, perform, or protect anything. This touches me deeply. **To write about joy. Fulfillment. Sensuality. Freedom.** Neurodivergence is so often framed as dysfunction or disorder. But it’s simply a way of being. Like in *[Stories of Autistic Joy](https://rauchundkoenig.buchhandlung.de/shop/article/50461787/laura_kate_dale_stories_of_autistic_joy.html)*, I want to show the wild, overwhelming beauty of living as AuDHD. And yes, this also means overcoming immense shame. I’ve spent my life being ridiculed, criticized, dismissed, even attacked for my needs and desires. But that’s why this matters. It’s about peeling back those layers of shame, of internalized -isms—and reaching for *my own version of joy*. --- ### Question 3: Why must this world turn against Peter and become a nightmare? No story without conflict. Of course something has to go wrong. No one wants to read 800 pages of Peter living out his dreams. But how do you bring conflict into a paradise? My first idea: Peter has a savior complex. But the deeper I understood him, the more I realized—that’s not fair. From the outside, his intensity, helpfulness, intelligence, and drive might look like a guru complex. But from the inside, it’s different—as it so often is for neurodivergent people. His intensity is just how his mind works. His helpfulness is genuine (if naïve). His intellect is humble. His impulsiveness isn’t moral—it's ADHD. Peter *does* save worlds. But not because he needs to. No, there had to be a deeper reason for his dreamworld to fail. One that lies at the core of the world’s *construction*—because it reflects his inner self. If you’ve ever lived with AuDHD, you know the answer: **radical internal contradiction**. Autism and ADHD are always pulling against each other. Autism wants order. ADHD craves chaos. Autism needs quiet and focus. ADHD wants stimulation. Autism struggles with connection. ADHD charms its way into every room. This contradiction doesn’t go away just because you understand it. And I want Nadlee’han to fall apart for exactly that reason—to show how brutal this ongoing battle can be. The pendulum swings between boredom and burnout can rip you apart, dragging you into depression, addiction, or dissociation—unless you learn to ride the storm. But I also want to avoid the cliché of Peter learning “it was all his fault.” Because it’s not. This dynamic doesn’t end with awareness. And it infuriates me when people say, “Just find balance.” You can’t. Because one half will *always* go unmet—and eventually tear everything down. So I need a second source of conflict: the world’s external gaze. Enter the Ksall’i[^bxt2]. They’re the neurotypical, heteronormative species in this world. And yes—they’re part of Peter’s mind, too. Because we all internalize the systems that oppress us. Gay men carry homophobia. Women carry misogyny. Even neurodivergent people carry ableism. And so Peter’s paradise has two threats: The Others—and their judgment, ignorance, hatred. And himself—and the contradictions that never stop tearing at him. --- ### Question 4: If it’s all so hard—why tell the story? Because there is a way out of this double bind. But not through balance or control. **Only through radical honesty.** Any solution built on denying your true self will fail. Any solution built on denying the world’s violence will fail. Only when Peter can say, *I am what I am*—knowing full well how harsh the world is—does he have a chance. Only then can he save Nadlee’han. Only then can he save himself. --- Ready for [[Step 3 - What I Want This Story to Say]]? ![[Links & License#^c7e67d]] [^bxt1]: Nadlee’han is the part of *Phantásien* Peter enters—his own version of the [[Fantasy]] realm, shaped by longing and desire. [^bxt2]: The Ksall’i are the dominant species from the continent Ksall’han. If Nadlee’han reflects Peter’s queer, neurodivergent interior, Ksall’han represents the normative outside world.